value.

Recently I have been struggling with coming to terms with my value, and what that value translates to with the people who orbit my life. I have a long history of undervaluing myself. I have always been a shy and quiet girl, insecure, a girl who let people do things to her and take advantage of her because I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself and say no. It is only the past few years that I have found my voice and learned to speak out loud when I am being wronged. I thought I was doing so well with this. I rarely mince words now when I feel that I'm not being treated as I should be. But I haven't been seeing enough of the picture. This history of being viewed and used as somehow less than everyone else is so ingrained in my identity that I was still letting things slide without even noticing it. I take the smallest piece of the pie and see that as enough validation when all of the rest of the pie is trying to shout at me telling me I'm getting shortchanged. Still, I focus on the tiny slice in front of me instead of the rest. I guess I try to be grateful, thankful, that I got any of the pie at all because somehow, consciously or otherwise, I still don't think I am good enough to deserve any more than that tiny slice. I was lucky to get any of it. How do you stop something like that? This constant, ever-present life experience of not being truly wanted by anyone -- from my boss berating me and not giving me the same benefits anyone else would get, to my own mother's incessant jabs and complete and utter lack of respect for who I am, to even the man I love rarely showing me in any real way that I am worth something to him. It seems like even when I explicitly ask for what I need, when I make my expectations clear, when I state in no uncertain terms how I feel and why, my voice still isn't loud enough. I am still not being heard. I'm still accepting that even after I demand more, I'm settling for the tiny slice.