The absence of vanity spells trouble. It's not about modesty, it's a certain type of self-indulgence that is damaging and powerful. It's not about looks, it's about ego. It's a sort of cop out to enable yourself to be lazy with no strings attached. This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Allow me to explain...
As I have mentioned here on this blog on multiple occasions, I have been a hair dye addict for as long as I can remember. An addict of change. Of costuming and packaging myself into looking different as an outlet of control -- In a bummer mood? Change my hair color! Bored? Change my hair color! It sounds harmless enough, but it wasn't healthy, although it disguised itself as something fun. So, I took a break. Last May I shaved my head and swore to not dye my hair anymore. Surprisingly, after spending 30 years dyeing my hair constantly, I have now gone more than a year without slathering a single drop of tinted chemical sludge on my head!
Here is my takeaway from this year-long experiment:
1) While there is something to be said for challenging yourself and changing certain behaviors, the lesson learned may not be what you expect. You see, once I stopped dyeing my hair I kinda stopped doing everything else, too. I used to be a girl who had nail polish on 24-7. In fact, I literally had a couple hundred bottles of nail polish (which I have since purged the bulk of to only keep my favorites). But since I stopped dyeing my hair my nails have been bare also. Not a big deal you say, right? Well, it is actually a big deal because it's one more thing I stopped caring about that had previously made me feel good about myself.
2) I also stopped wearing make-up over this past year. Again, not something that sounds bad at all, but it is yet another aspect of caring for myself that got left behind. Over the past year I have worn make-up literally a handful of times. It's funny, now when I do put make-up on I'm shocked at how nicely I clean up because I'm so used to looking like a total slob. I'm not hideous sans make-up by any means, but wearing it for sure makes me feel good and pretty.
4) While I am a vehement supporter of #PAJAMACORE, spending a year+ in my house alone wearing nothing but pajamas isn't necessarily a good thing for the same reasons above; If I never look good, how the hell am I supposed to ever feel good?!?! The answer to that is simple: I don't.
Thanks to no hair dye, no nail polish, no make up and not wearing regular clothes, I have basically just given up. It's so easy to justify all of the above in a positive spin, but the fact is it's not positive AT ALL. It's the opposite. I have been totally avoiding taking care of myself. I have become lazy as fuck. I so much enjoy taking care of other things, like my plants and my birds and my house, but I have put myself dead last as something to spend any time giving a shit about. Well, that's stopping now.
This weekend I ordered hair dye in the color that has always made me feel and look great and the most like myself (black). I also ordered five new bottles of nail polish. And you know what? I feel really, really fucking excited about that. I'm looking forward to doing those little things that used to make me happy once again.
P.S. A little while after I wrote this I realized something that never occurred to me until now: The only time in the past 30 years that I wasn't dyeing my hair was when I was in an abusive relationship from the ages of 18-20. That's telling. Right after I escaped from that situation I went back to dyeing my hair again, and that period of time was the happiest I have ever been in my life.
