I'm starting to get really antsy. Maybe it's a spring fever of sorts, or it could be just me spending an entire year in my 1 1/2 bedroom apartment, either/or. I just have this overwhelming desire to do... something. To DO. I want to be up, I want to be busy with my body, I want to be accomplishing things, I want to be selfish and feel good about it. I need a spark, a lightbulb, a push, just a reason to DO something. I wish I knew what, I really, really wish I knew what. It's very difficult to feel this intense welling up of restlessness and have nowhere to direct it.
Eleven days ago I decided to stop eating meat again. Between the ages of 14-41 I was vegetarian with the exception of a few months a couple of times. For the past two years I've been eating meat because I have to be gluten-free and dairy-free which made getting enough protein very, very challenging. The first few months I had cut out dairy and gluten I was literally sick the whole time. Once I started eating meat I felt way better, so I stuck with it. Meat has always totally grossed me out, though. It wasn't necessarily about animals so much as it was being completely disgusted with the idea of eating a dead carcass. ICK, so nasty. I had always believed that consuming death brought negative energy into your body, and considering that the past couple of years have been some of the saddest and most anxiety-riddled of my entire life, it occurred to me maybe eating meat was doing me more harm than good. Well, eleven days in I feel much lighter than I have in I don't even know how long. I have even been in a legitimately GOOD mood a couple of times, which I hardly ever experience anymore. I don't think it's a coincidence.
Meanwhile, if this trend continues and I keep feeling better, happier, more antsy and restless, I'm gonna have to do something with myself. I need to figure out somewhere to go. I need to decide what I want my life to become, because right now I don't have a fucking clue.
Vous devez décider ce que vous voulez que votre vie devienne aussi. Allons-nous vivre ensemble?
