I'm feeling really bleh today. Kinda straddling the line of both profound unhappiness and profound boredom. Not that that's an unusual feeling for me to have, it's kinda the norm most days. I'm in a holding pattern. That is the best way to describe it. A self-induced purgatory. A motherfucking RUT of all ruts. I miss feeling really motivated and driven and excited about my goals. I miss the longing to have my own business. I miss feeling a general curiosity about the world. I feel like all of that is just completely gone.
The past few years have been the steadiest of my life. In theory, I should be so happy. Drama has been at a minimum, I pay all my bills on time, I've been at the same job three years, in the same apartment almost four years, everything is seemingly peachy keen. I should be happy. I'm not. Not at all. Not even close to what I would describe as "happy." Why not, though? It doesn't make any sense.
In the same way that I feel about being often unsure of my appearance reflecting who I am, I feel like maybe my whole life isn't reflecting who I am anymore? Is that it? I have nothing challenging me anymore. I have nothing I'm looking forward to. I want to buy a house, but the market is a shitshow right now and I would be much, much better off waiting at least six more months, maybe even a year. So the one thing I know would make me feel better is definitely not happening just yet, which only enhances all of my other feelings of having very little to wake up for from one day to the next.
My kid is off at college and I have been ok about that, more ok than I would've ever thought. But at the same time, maybe this current mood is part of that in a way. For so long I had no choice but to put someone else's needs before mine and now I don't have to anymore. Unfortunately, the result is that I really fucking suck at taking care of myself. I sit here day after day thinking about things I should be doing, like exercising and cooking nice meals for myself, and I don't do anything about it. I need a push. More than a push, I need a kick in the ass. I know I would be much more motivated to do these things for myself if I saw some kind of pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. A reward. A genuine reason to do it. But when each day comes and goes in the same way, just me here alone in this apartment, it's really hard to care. That's not a good way to live.
So I ask myself... how can I start to care? I need to care.
