It's funny how much things have changed in such a short amount of time. When I first made plans to move into this house, those plans were grand indeed. And so incredibly misguided. All I could think about was my little business, and all of the things I was going to sell, and all of the work I was going to put into it to be successful. I was going to have all of this space, for once. A big place with lots of room to breathe... Well, it's been anything but. This place has suffocated me, in every aspect. It is old, and cluttered, and filthy, and it feels terrible here. There is no success to be had. No oxygen to spare. This place was so wrong all along.
The wrongness has been a blessing, though. I feel like I've really turned a corner and woken up to all the bullshit I've been surrounding myself with. When I was reaching out for more and more, what I wanted more than anything was less and less. I see that so clearly now. And isn't that really what's wrong with the world today? The greed, and the selfishness is downright unbearable. This constant, nagging feeling for something better than whatever you may have at that moment. I don't really think there is such a thing. It's all about taking the smallest, yet most important things, and savoring them.
I consider myself to be fairly self-aware, but sometimes, even when you know something is a bad habit, you tend to say 'screw it' and indulge. I am starting to learn that indulging in these behaviors isn't all that enjoyable anymore. So many of these habits are distractions, and time wasters, and crutches. I will never be a perfect human being, nor do I ever want to be. I do, however, believe that I deserve a little piece of happiness. Happiness doesn't come from stuff. It doesn't come from the things you surround yourself with, no matter how shiny and pretty those things may be. It comes from being secure enough to be open to the world. It comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. To take risks. To challenge yourself to not rely on anything but your instincts, talents and self-worth. To not let your fears overwhelm your desire for adventure. Happiness comes when you let go. Nothing else matters but that.
XOXO,
M.M.
