I have always been an inherently sad person. It's at the very core of who I am. I don't remember a time where I ever wasn't sad, in one way or another. Even when I was very little. This sadness is so ingrained on my persona, that it's a hard thing for me to let go of. This happiness I've found as of late has been new to me. As difficult as it is for me to admit, I sometimes wonder when the bubble will burst. I just can't help myself. It's all I've ever known... disappointment, I mean. But it doesn't feel the same this time as any other time that has come before it. This time the happiness feels real and good. I'm trying to live my life without the fears that I've become so accustomed to. I am doing things that are fun. Real, live, honest-to-goodness, fun. While I am doing these things, I almost feel as though I'm having an out of body experience. Like, I have to stop for a second and think: "Is this really me out in the world doing this? Is this wonderful person I'm with actually enjoying me, and spending time with me? REALLY?!" I am absolutely, downright, terrified to think about the future... but I can't help myself. I think about it, and I smile, and I feel so incredibly hopeful. Hopefulness, however, is very unfamiliar to me. It's been a pleasure making its acquaintance, and I hope that it doesn't turn out to be a huge asshole.
:oP
XOXO,
M.M.