The past few weeks I have learned a few things about myself, or at least, reinforced ideas that I had about myself but was until now not 100% certain of:
1) In order to thrive, I have to be able to manipulate the situation in a creative way. I need a voice, and I need to express myself. I fail at subjects such as Biology and Math because they are hard and true facts which cannot be interpreted in a new light. I fail at most of my jobs because I am usually in a role that doesn't allow dissonance or new ideas. I have a fundamental need to be creative with limited constraints. So as far as my continued education is concerned, I'll only be focusing on subject matter which allows me to both learn, and spin things from my own perspective.
2) I don't like taking pictures of myself on a daily basis. After only 18 days, I am throwing in the towel. I'm stopping for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I don't like feeling as though I need to change the way I look when presenting myself via the internet community. I photoshop out all the bumps and wrinkles, and I feel as though I am making falsehoods. Relying on vanity is not something I have any interest in, and I have learned that lesson already in regards to Suicide Girls, and my mother. I just don't need that kind of validation anymore. Now, that isn't to say that's all what doing a 365 is about - I think it's largely about pushing the boundaries of yourself, and coming up with new ways of seeing yourself. However, I'm still completely fucking over it. I want to explore other areas of photography and not be burdened by these ridiculous daily portraits.
3) I am learning to accept the recent changes in my body. Dieting and exercising is not tipping the scale, and I have to realize that I was thin for those past 3 years because of the toxic doses of B6 that I'd been taking. If I'm going to be a little chunkier now, so be it. I'd rather be chunky than sick. I am still going to work-out because it makes me feel better, and become stronger and healthier, but I am no longer striving for actual "weight loss."
4) My son and dog mean more to me than anything. I am back to taking my stance at reveling in my independence and making my own path in this world. I don't particularly want or need the drama of a relationship, now or ever. If I happen to cross paths with someone amazing and fall in love, fine, but that is no longer even remotely in the forefront of my mind. I have a much larger agenda at hand, and I think the quest for love is a worthless and painful distraction.
5)I am REALLY excited to be making stuff to sell on Etsy! I am sort of stockpiling some items right now, but I hope to have them posted sometime this week.
XOXO
M.M.
