This is that time of year when I am especially pent up. It's spring, so I just want to be outside while it's nice and cool and fresh, but I'm terribly, deathly, allergic to the trees so I'm literally stuck inside. They bloomed fast this year though so I thought they were far enough along now, but nope, today my lungs decided that in no uncertain terms am I allowed to go outside and walk my dog or do anything in the out of doors whatsoever. Fuck, just being inside of doors has been a struggle to breathe, despite all the air purifiers whirring away in here 24-7.
Anyway.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm sick of being stuck. This past couple of years have been like fucking quicksand, dragging me down unwillingly into the depths of places I never intended or wanted to be. The hardest part is none of it is really my own fault. That really is honestly the worst part. To be a nice person who just didn't want to be alone anymore. Then everything I worked so hard to achieve, my tiny sliver of brief peace in particular, got sucked away from me. And I just sat here and watched it happen before my very eyes.
Fuck.
I'm starting to unstick myself, though.
There's only so long where you can keep sinking beneath the weight of other people's, and other forces', bullshit. Even the nicest people have limits, and I'm no exception.
The good news is the more time alone I am getting, the more on track I'm finding myself. My horrendous brain fog is lifting enough to spend several hours a day working again (menopause has fucked me up for real, you guys. Woof.). I have been spending each night in my bedroom listening to music and working on my new business until like 4am. It feels fantastic.
Anyway.
Today I finally let some things out that really needed to be released. Afterwards, I was sitting here so upset to find myself struggling so much again, because I'm a nice person after all and I really don't think I deserve it, etc. But then it clicked in. I suddenly realized that all of these jagged pieces of strife are actually meant to be assembled into a big picture puzzle, and that as the pieces come together the rough edges smooth out, and they really do have purpose and meaning, and none of it was for nothing. It has been shitty and terrible and incredibly stressful to be sure, but it definitely wasn't for nothing.
So I'm embracing the struggle now. Giving the strife a loud ass high five. I get it. I see you, Universe. I know your shenanigans always lead me to where I am supposed to go.
Anyway.
Despite the trees trying to smother me to death, I think I might be out of this mess, and out of this house walking Polly again pretty soon, here...