I have been mourning for a good long while now. Mourning so many things, like: my business, my money, my credit, my body, my youth, my independence, my freedom, my comfort, my health.... my happiness.
Shit has been ROUGH.
But finally, as of tonight, in this moment, I think I can start letting go of all of those losses and start working towards something new to build upon. The hardest part of all the stress and grief I've been dealing with, is not really seeing a big goal to work towards; I feel like anything I'm doing is just treading water trying to keep myself from drowning. I have had lots of plans and creative ideas, but it still hasn't been enough to yank me up out of the abyss.
Literally every. single. thing. in my life has been WORK and a CHORE and MISERABLE. (Except my dog Polly -- she's genuinely the only sliver of joy I have). I feel like I haven't had a genuine hit of dopamine or serotonin in like a billion years. I'm just a husk of doom and gloom and illness and stress and exhaustion.
I know what I need to do now, though. At least I think I do. And even if this idea doesn't ultimately materialize, just having a plan and a goal for now is the best thing in the world for me. I have to be able to imagine a life beyond the way mine has been for the past couple of years. I need more than this. I need peace. I need prosperity. And most importantly, I need ease.
I think I figured it out.
I want to sell my house in a few months and move to upstate New York.
There!
I said it out loud.
I don't know what in the living fuck the world is going to be like a few months from now. Probably not great. But I need time to figure this out. To plot. To plan. To get the wheels in motion. To get my new business on solid footing. If I don't make this huge move now, I never will. My health is getting shittier, and I'm getting older, and it's just going to get harder.
I think I might actually finally leave this place that has dragged me down for 32 years.
It's about fucking time!