I have been wrestling with the concept of illusion versus reality. Fantasy rather than actual connection to the people and the things around me. Not only from my perspective, but theirs as well. I am not a social person in real life (shocker), but I do have a few friends that I communicate with regularly, and what seems to be a persistent theme with everyone I know is misunderstanding. In our conversations there is this constant process of gathering information about a situation or a person then taking that information, analyzing it to fucking death, then forming some sort of conclusion about what it all means. This is a lifelong human endeavor, I realize, but I think getting older only amplifies the need to really get to the heart of the matter and find meaning in it all. Time isn't as abundant as it once was, for one thing. And with age comes wisdom and less patience to be tied up in red tape that ultimately may not actually be benefitting you now, or in the long run.
It is so tedious to take apart every little thing, piece by piece, to try to read between the lines and see what is actually there. So much fucking guesswork. Despite my best efforts, I don't know that I really have a clue about anything. I don't know if I understand who anyone is at all. I don't think any of us are being truly honest with ourselves, or with each other. It's so convenient to create these images where whatever is happening to you, even if it's bad, has some greater significance. To give the benefit of the doubt away freely because you don't want the illusion shattered. To try with all your might to make something or someone what you want it/them to be instead of what it/they really are. Sure, the person wreaking havoc on your life isn't being intentional about it so you talk yourself out of whatever your gut says out of guilt or hope or whatever. But intentional or not makes no difference when the outcome is the same. And that matters. It really, really matters.
Every day I skim over the truth of what my life actually is via distractions like television and twitter and tiny, practically microscopic baby steps of creating something better. Something resembling what a life lived would be like rather than a life of existing with one day blending into the next. I had this horrible epiphany today that I haven't been forming any good memories to look back on anymore. It shook me. Broke me in two. It opened a floodgate of regret and sorrow and so much clarity and desire to change everything. Just, absolutely everything. So while I struggle constantly with figuring out who is doing what and why, and what the world means to me if anything, I want to start making some memories again. I am tired of the facade and the bullshit and the candy-coated shell that makes lousy circumstances seem a whole lot better than they really are. I want to connect. I want to touch. I want to interact. I want to be tangible and tactile. I don't want to think about it so much, I don't want to think about much of anything. I am tired of thinking and wallowing in my feelings all the time. I'm tired of guessing what is real and what isn't. I just want to find something genuine to hang onto for a while... something that I can look back on fondly someday...
