I took this place away because it was making me uncomfortable. I was in here when things were dark, and strange, and I felt so removed from everything. Just the basic concept of being alive was tormenting me. Revisiting the posts from the year previous made me relive all of that awkward, anxiety-filled neurosis and I didn't like to be part of it anymore. I wanted it to go away.
However...
I have really missed writing. The past few months I have been preparing and building a space in my life where I can devote a lot of my energy to making things. Tangible things. Art, crafts, objects, adornments, paintings, gifts, whatever. Just to make things with my hands and be creative. But I miss making things with my words, too. Writing is something that I feel a compulsion for, more than probably any other form of expression. So I will leave this open again (for now). And I will not revisit those posts from the past year unless absolutely necessary.
I should mention that I am still isolated at home, but it is a different way of being isolated than it had been previously. I am not driven here by fear so much as comfort. I know someday I will leave and be a part of things again, but I just don't feel the need to right now. I am rebooting, and transforming, and becoming into a new way of living and seeing the world and it's something that just seems to be taking time to accomplish.
Being isolated at home has made me treasure an ease to my senses. I like the quiet and prefer the darkness (although that is nothing new). When you take away the spastic nature of what ordinary life in a city is like, it's hard to go back to any of it. If anything I only crave even more quiet and more darkness. A peaceful existence with only the simplest of things. It's so much easier that way. I am so much happier without all of the people and movement and sound and smell, oh the smell I can definitely do without.
I open my windows every day, though. I prefer the darkness but I let the light in again. I'm trying.
