I haven't been over here for a while. I've been processing things. I'm not really sure if I'm avoiding (more than usual, anyway), or if I'm actually sort of ok? Is this a delayed reaction that's going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some point? Am I in complete denial? I honestly have no idea. Because I feel ok, and I never expected to feel ok, but right now I really do.
My son moved out almost two weeks ago now. I realize that isn't very long ago, of course, but this is probably the longest stretch that I haven't seen him in the 18 year span of time since he was born. I was fully anticipating a complete meltdown. I thought the anxiety would be so intense that I wouldn't be able to breathe. But... that isn't what happened. Maybe I was mentally prepared for this more than I thought I was? Or maybe it really was time for this change after all, and somehow, someway, my brain is being cool about all of it.
The first couple of days were the weirdest. I wasn't sad, just totally out of sorts, but those feelings wore off pretty quickly and since then, it's been all about plans. So many fucking plans, you have no idea. Before he moved out I was looking forward to cleaning out his little room so I could make it into my own art studio/craft space, but then as we were packing some of his things he made it seem like he wanted to keep his room here. So the few weeks prior to the move, all the time I spent pondering and planning how I would set things up in there, just sorta got scrapped because I certainly didn't want to take his room away from him if he wanted it to be here. I started thinking about setting up a crafty spot in the dining room instead. I've done that in plenty of other places I've lived before. But... it would just be so half-assed and not what I want it to be. So today I told him I'm still taking his room for myself, and he said he was fine with that. It's been almost two weeks and he doesn't even want to come home for dinner this weekend, so I know he is enjoying his first experience as an independent adult, and that's really good. He is a smart, sweet, responsible, wonderful person. I'm really glad that he is doing well on his own so far.
So anyway... back to the plans... I have spent the entire summer in bed. Not sick or anything, just hanging out in my bedroom by myself every single day. I know how crazy that is. I know how weird that is. It's just the way things have happened, I don't know what else to tell you. But fall is here now, and I'm not feeling strangled by the summer heat and humidity that stresses me out so terribly much, so now, finally, all the plans I've sat here thinking about in this bed for weeks and weeks can start to take shape.
The funny thing about spending an entire summer in bed (and mostly in the dark) is how incredibly lazy I have gotten. I am a clean freak. Organizing things is what really gets me off. But man, have I been a lazy slob lately. And all these plans I have are going to be a lot of work. I hope the excitement of them is enough to kick me back into gear again. Being a slob is so NOT me. Like, at all even remotely. I definitely blame this rotten summer for it, though. This summer was the worst one I can remember for quite a few years. I have a very unforgiving apartment, where every little thing you do makes it hot and sticky and uncomfortable, so I hibernated, in the dark, in my room, in the air conditioning, and have avoided pretty much everything else. It's catching up to me now. I have a lot of fucking work to do. A lot, a lot, a lot.
The best part of all of this though, which has taken me a while to get to the point of this post, I know, is that being even more alone than I have been, kinda ever, and having my kid off doing his own thing, sorta lifted this curtain up that I didn't necessarily think about or realize was there. My son being gone, who has been my crutch for so long, isn't here to lean on now. And instead of freaking out about that, I feel sort of free. Not free of him of course, but free of my own reliance on him to avoid things about myself that I've needed to confront and deal with. And instead of falling apart about it, I've been making plans. Plans for my art studio/craft space. Plans to start painting again, buying new paints, and an easel, and canvasses. Painting for the first time in at least eight years. Plans to change my apartment around, to declutter things, get rid of things, buy new things that make my other things function better. For it to be fresh in here again.
I have someone new I plan to hang out with soon, too. To be honest, I don't know if that is anything that will work out ok, but, we'll see. I am rather distrustful of people, and I have high expectations for people that are very hard to live up to. So I don't know about any of that, but I do have the plans to hang out with a new person soon, and that's good enough right now. In the next few weeks I am emerging out of my self-inflicted cocoon and starting over again. I've put myself in an honest-to-goodness sensory deprivation fort so it's going to be a little weird trying to climb out of it. But I have plans, lots of fucking plans, so I think I'm going to be alright.
