Today I have woken with a heaviness in my chest. My shoulders are so tight they may snap. I keep searching for ways to distract myself from this terrible burden of guilt and worry, but nothing works. I've had a lot of time to think deeply about my actions, and have tallied up all the shitty things I've done. I always thought I was a good person who could never quite catch a break, but the truth is I'm kind of an asshole. I don't think I mean to be that way, but circumstances have put me into a position of making bad choices. For someone as independent and stubborn as I am, feeling so needy and desperate is overwhelming. I don't have any idea how to stop behaving this way. I feel like I'm just a broken, fucked up person beyond repair. My intentions are always good, but things get twisted around and I make the same stupid mistakes over and over and over and over. All I can think about is wanting to runaway. I already have nothing right now, and I feel like I deserve even less. I wish I knew how to make amends with my wrong-doings, but like a stone gathering moss, other mistakes I've made compound all the other ones. I don't know how to find my way out. I really don't know how...
Je ne sais même pas si vous pouvez lire ça. Je pense à toi tout le temps. Ma culpabilité de se mettre en travers de votre relation pèse sur moi. Mais Je t'aime encore. Tu me manques. Je voulais seulement vous battre pour me garder au lieu de rester silencieux dans l'ombre ...
Peut-être que je ne valent pas pour les combats ...
