Moments.

It's after 2am and I am awake. Laying in bed, alone, with a hot water bottle under the covers at my feet to keep them warm. My mind won't stop playing these scenes over and over in my head. The snippets of time when I have been with you over the years. Laying on my couch together one night while she was away. It was when we had just met. And hugging you, slipping my hands between your unzipped hoodie and your t-shirt. Hugging you again another time, during what was an innocent meeting, me feeling as though I were over you... but the hug... it lingered, and there was nothing more I could have ever wanted in that moment. And the way you raised your voice when you told me what she'd done to you; it was one of the first times I can remember you cussing, and I liked to hear you say "fuck" with such conviction. But tonight, and most often these days, the moment that plays in my mind more than anything, is the last time that I saw you. I knew the instant you walked in my door that you weren't yourself. You sat next to me on the couch and I could feel your uneasiness, or sickness, or whatever it was that was keeping you distant from me. And I sat next to you, silently admiring you, tracing the shape of your nose with my eyes, and noticing how nice your teeth were when your lips parted enough for me to see them. And seeing the trace of stubble on your chin, face and neck, and also observing the customary smattering of cat hair that clung onto your clothing. But these things, while all important and valuable, were not what have stuck with me the most from that day... no, instead it was the two or three times that, while we were sitting on that couch, you glanced at me as we said something unsubstantial. You glanced at me and looked into my eyes, and I was lost for those split seconds in the shades of golden brown. It was then that I was telling you how much you are a part of me. It was then that I knew no matter how hard I've tried, my heart belongs to you and nobody else. Those tiny moments when you looked at me mean more than anything else, because they were the moments when I knew you loved me, too...