The photographer wasn't me, nor was it anyone else whom I'd asked to quickly take the shot. This picture of yours truly was captured by someone who simply wanted to take a picture of me in that moment. It was me in my most real and true form, which I don't get to see very often. It was a glimpse into the one time in my life when all of the questioning I'd done over the years was deemed as unnecessary. This photo captured a brief respite from all of the negative feelings and bitterness that I had become so accustomed to. So I cling to this photo a lot, you see.
I had never realized just how important that benchmark has been until now. There were tumultuous times a-plenty before the photograph, but somehow everything that has transpired since the photograph seems even darker than ever before. This was not a slow descent, it was rapid and brutal and altogether devastating. That is not to say that every waking moment in the past eight years has been horrible and overwhelming. In fact, I would say that most of these days and weeks and years have been more of a slow and sullen meandering on a road without many highlights along the way. Very few risks have been taken, so very few adventures have transpired. While my heart has not suffered like it once did, my soul has been leaking a little bit of the colorful parts of me which had made me who I was... or rather, who I am.
The photographer who captured me at the happiest I'd ever been isn't at all to blame. He destroyed me in a way that no-one else ever has, to be sure, but he also gave me the gift of knowing how amazing love can be when you let your guard down and experience someone fully. I guess that is really what has created the slippery slope, you see... it isn't the heartbreak at all, but rather, the knowing that something so great is achievable; once you have experienced something like that, there is nowhere to go but down. It is impossible to even dream of settling for something that is a mere fraction of the greatness you've already known. I keep hoping that someday I will be able to conceive of a happiness even better than the one in the photograph, but hope is far more dangerous than the safety and comfort of being alone...
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