Is there ever a time when you can look around and just know with all of your heart that you are in the right place? Is there such a feeling of security and such assuredness that you have made the right decisions to be where you are in that exact moment? That every fork in the road had led you there for a specific purpose. A destiny that was meant to be. Will there ever be a day when you can wake up, take a deep breath, and just know that all is right with the world? That you are what you were made to be?
I have always lacked a sense of belonging. ALWAYS. I never fit in with any particular crowd, so I would flock from one group to another, fruitlessly looking for something that never was. I suppose I found comfort in the punk rockers because they too never really fit in anywhere else, so we all sorta gathered together in a mish-mosh of losers and weirdos and created our own group. Even then, I never was quite sure about anything. I was always shy and trepidatious about letting my guard down and believing that any of those people were really my "friends." I guess most of the time my hesitations weren't unfounded at all.
I don't mean to take a walk down memory lane with this blog too much, as what's on my mind more than anything is my future. I'm having a very difficult time right now trying to hang on to what's right in front of me because I am obsessing over what's a little ways ahead. I want it sooooooo badly. I think that maybe, deep down inside, I'm scared that if I can't get my grip on it sooner rather than later it will simply slip away, just like everything else seems to have a way of doing. If I don't form concrete plans to get where I want to be, I won't have anything to work for, and have nothing to hang onto.
I think about how often I move around. How frequently I change my hair, or cycle through my wardrobe. How I have lived in so many apartments over the past few years that I honestly lost count. I've had dozens of jobs, too. I think that I keep moving because I just haven't found it yet. I haven't found that sense of peace. I haven't felt that moment of calm where I knew what I was doing was the right thing. Where my feet felt planted on the ground and could grow some roots. I really have never, ever felt that for one moment in my life. And it all at once makes sense to me now.
Minneapolis has been a wonderful place for me in so many ways, but has also been a horrible, awful, stifling, miserable existence. I don't believe in running away from things or people or places as whatever issues were burdening you are sure to follow you anywhere. However, there is always the possibility that there is somewhere better, where maybe... yeah, just maybe...
