My goal is to be as pure as possible. Not in the Christian sense, but a purity within myself. To live to my truest potential. To understand my inner workings and portray them outwardly. To be honest. I have lived much of my life shutting my mouth. Being shy and introspective and letting others take advantage of my kindness. I am kind, but I am not weak. There is a difference.
Not allowing myself much vulnerability has been a welcome respite. It's easy to be happy when you have nothing to prove to anyone. To push myself and strive for goals which are my own and not guided by the desire to please someone else. An inner drive to be better. Always better. Always more myself. But what I struggle with most is maintaining who I am now, and who I was in the past. The ghosts that haunt me - always there lurking. Is it possible to surpass who you were? To let go completely? These things that I have built upon to create who I am today - irrelevant? If you look at a sand castle, do you admire each grain which supports the structure, or simply glaze over them and view the final outcome? This is the hardest thing for me to grasp.
I no longer care to regurgitate stories of my past over and over. Being alone is nice for this reason. To not have to divulge these things. To only live within myself. Is it possible to be open and vulnerable without sharing all of your past? Is there a point where I can start from - fresh. A do-over. This is where the purity sets in. My striving to be clear and white. Not a transparency, but rather an accurate and free translation of what I have become because of my past, but yet, separate from it.
Is it the road that is important, or the destination?
