I am sick and tired of this unassuredness. These constant uncertainties. I feel weighed down and heavy. Burdened. Frustrated. I want to have my way, but I don't even know what that way really is. And even if I found a means of acquiring it, I doubt I'd be happy. The challenge would be over and I'd get bored. Restless again. Antsy and claustrophobic. I'm starting to believe that there aren't any answers at all. That I'll never find any path or direction to take. That I'll keep changing forever. That stability will be eternally out of reach...
I am considering getting my knuckle tattoos removed. I got them during the darkest period of my life (which is saying a lot, since so much of my life has been considerably overcast). Maybe if I lift this one piece of bitterness and sadness out of my skin, I'll remove one of the anchors that are keeping me down? This hex. This jinx. This self-fulfilled prophecy of confusion and loneliness:
LUSH LIFE
I used to visit all the very gay places
those come what may places
where one relaxes on the axis of the wheel of life
to get the feel of life
from jazz and cocktails
the girls i knew had sad and sullen gray faces
with distant gay traces
that used to be there you could see where
they'd been washed away
by too many through the day
twelve o'clock tales
then you came along with your siren's song
to tempt me to madness
i thought for a while that your poignant smile
was tinged with the sadness
of a great love for me
ah yes i was wrong
again i was wrong
life is lonely again
and only last year
everything seemed so sure
now life is awful again
a trough full of hearts
could only be a bore
a week in paris will ease the bite of it
all i care is to smile in spite of it
i'll forget you
i will
and yet you are still
burning inside my brain
romance is mush
stifling those who strive
i'll live a lush life in some small dive
and there i'll be
while i rot with the rest
of those whose lives are lonely too
I believe in letting go. I need to. And often. I don't like to cling on to people and ideas and things. I need to evolve. To move on. To cleanse. I yearn for freedom -- freedom far greater than what I have now. I want to be amongst vast stretches of fertile land. Endless pink and orange horizons. Dewy, green turf cushioning every blow that these cinderblock-like feet take on the Earth. I want to be light like cotton candy. To feel warmth on my skin without the need for shrouds and blankets. Lightened and enlightened and a part of it all...