Victim

I have a lot of blame I could throw around. It would be quite easy to do. My mind traces my steps, and the steps of those who came before me and brought me into this mess of a life. My parents are easy to blame. My mom was a horrible bitch who was never around, and quite literally didn't give a damn about me. I spent the vast majority of my time as a child completely alone, fending for myself, making myself dinner, etc, with nobody around at all. My mom thought money and posessions and men were a much better way to spend her time than raising her only daughter... She has improved over the years and has admitted to me how guilty she feels about being such an awful parent. My dad on the other hand seemed to genuinely care about me, but his lackadaisical attitude about raising me kind of makes me angry now. At the time it seemed glorious to have a father who would let you, quite literally, do pretty much anything you wanted, including dropping out of school at 14 years of age, and running around the streets of Hollywood all night long with people he didn't even know. Being a parent myself now, the idea of letting my kid do those kinds of things is shocking and reprehensible. Both of my parents have become losers. Maybe they were always losers, but their loserdom, if you will, has come to quite a climax indeed. I think about them both and I get angry. These people are horrible role models for me to have grown up with, and frankly I am lucky to be as well-adjusted as I am. I clearly understand my mom's parents' role in her complete fuckedupness, but throughout the years I had always idolized my dad's side of the family. I remember them being friendly and caring people, who were essentially white trash, for the most part. But then I look at my dad and how completely lazy he is about taking care of himself and those around him, and I'm astonished that at his age he still acts like a victim. I have of course thought about my grandparents' role in him being the way he is, but never thought about it to the extent that I am lately. They both died when I was young, so it's hard to understand what they must've really been like. If anything, I would say that my dad is modeling mostly after his mother, and I am so much like my grandfather, it's pretty remarkable. He was an artist and a cook and was very loving, thoughtful and affectionate and seemed to always do his best to be sure that everyone was happy. My memories of my grandmother were of her just sitting around smoking cigarettes and not doing much of anything else at all, which is identical to how my dad lives his life... I know that I bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself on a fairly regular basis, but believe me when I say that I'm well-aware of how completely unattractive that is. I see other people behaving that way, like my father does, and it makes me shudder and roll my eyes. I don't want to be that way. I know that I have lots that I can blame on my parents for how I turned out. It's impossible, really, for their actions to have not affected me and how my life has played out. But even so, I've learned so much and gained so much by going through all of these trials and tribulations, so I'm certain there was a reason that I've been put on this tumultuous path. But still... my parents don't get it yet. How can they not???????? How can they have not figured out all of their flaws and made an effort to change themselves? To make their lives better? They seemed to have given up. Or maybe they just don't care? Or both... I figured myself out when I was 31, and here they are, 62 and 52 respectively, and they still don't have a fucking clue!!! I only hope that I am not screwing up my own kid. I can be hard on him sometimes, and I catch myself in that, but I don't want him to ever have that terrible "victim" attitude. I am very affectionate and loving with him though, too, so I hope that I am striking a decent balance between the two; love and tough love. I want him to be independent and strong, and to know above all else how to take care of himself and make his way in this world without expecting everyone to simply give him a hand-out... My parents are still waiting for theirs, and I assure you, they will never find it...