It is the 4th anniversary of my father's death. As I sit here on my computer doing design work, my mind is on that (with all of the grief that that entails barely at bay) and I'm ruminating about life in general. While I work I'm listening to an album I haven't put on in many, many, many years. It's one of those albums that has very specific, visceral memories attached to it - a very particular moment in my life like a musical time capsule. And while I'm listening to all of these songs that I haven't heard in close to two decades, it brings me right back there... to the tail end of my marriage, and my son barely a toddler, and being restless and unhappy and unfulfilled. I was a stay at home mom at the time, sort of in love with someone completely unattainable who lived on the other side of the world, and always trying to escape from my life - not escaping from my son, but everything else just felt wrong. I would stay up super late in order to have some time to myself, and I would often go grocery shopping at like 2am at the 24 hour grocery store while my husband and son were asleep. I would listen to this cd in the car on the way there, really loudly, with the windows down. Just enjoying those little moments of solitude and freedom with the wind in my hair. It was during that period of time, right after my ex-husband and I bought a house, that we decided (before we even moved in) that we were going to split up. So I'm sitting here right now, so clearly remembering everything about that time, while this album plays in the background as I work. And I'm thinking about my dad being gone and that dreadful day, and thinking about his life and how he never remarried and spent most of his life alone. And as always, texting to my dearest friend as I'm here right now, who has also spent most of his adult life alone without any relationships. And here's me, not having been in a real relationship in over a decade now. My mom also spending her life single and alone. My own son is 24 years old now, and he still hasn't had any serious relationships. It's like everyone around me is going through life on their own, and I can't help but wonder how bad that is. And how my dad left this earth in the awful way that he did, all by himself in a shitty hospital thousands of miles away from me. Life is really fucking short, and it's so easy to let the days and months and years pile on, and before you know it your life is fading away and you don't realize how much of it was wasted. While I was listening to this album 20+ years ago, loud, with the windows down in the car at 2am so badly wanting to escape... because I knew that relationship wasn't right, and my life wasn't right, I didn't imagine that two decades later I would be sitting at home all alone, about to turn 49 fucking years old in a week. And it could all be done and over anytime. It's worth it to make the effort to be with someone special. It's worth it to try. Because spending this one stupid life with nobody but yourself is really fucking sad.
