It's funny how seemingly good things, great things even, can easily become frustrating and taken for granted. I know the privilege I have right now. I have been through a lot in my life; plenty more than many people, and perhaps not nearly as much as others. But right now I am lucky to be doing pretty well, generally speaking. Still, I am surrounded by the losing of things. Changes that are seemingly under my control, but really I have no control at all. And very much still grieving my father. I miss him constantly. Not being able to share my successes with him breaks my heart, so my success has this very deep and dark melancholy attached to it.
Today I was trying on all of my clothes so that I can get rid of the things I no longer want, and the things that no longer fit. I have lost a significant amount of weight, which is amazing, but also scary since I haven't been trying to lose weight. I know that my body is in a shambles. I can feel the incorrectness inside of me all the time. But still, it is nice to be thin again. It is nice to put on my favorite vintage jacket that I have had for 20 years and be able to button it again. It wasn't long ago at all that the buttons were several inches apart. The jeans that were once snug were literally falling off of me today when I tried them on. I of course know I have lost the weight, but this cleaning out of my closet really put it into perspective.
This thinness is different than the thin me from the past. My body is different than before, my shapes have shifted and become a body I don't really recognize. Even my bones seem unfamiliar. I'm sure it has to do with age most certainly, even still, I'm not quite sure how to maneuver just yet. I'm trying to figure it out.
It's strange to revisit your wardrobe. Clothing is so personal -- it lives along with us, on us, is a part of us. Putting on these things again, things that I have had for several years, remembering places that I wore them, the people I was with, times that are gone now forever, and the vastly different version of me then than now. It is nice to let go of it. Of them. Of me. These old things that no longer fit... literally and figuratively. But right now it feels like loss without anything new replacing it just yet. I'm making room for the new chapter to appear...