"By identifying with our desires and taking them too seriously, we not only increase our susceptibility to disappointment, we actually create a climate inhospitable to the free and easy fulfillment of those desires."
- Tom Robbins
Jitterbug Perfume
I have spent a lot of time in this house, as you all know. A time where all I have done is think, and dwell, and wallow, and writhe in both pain and unquenchable desire. Desire to have what I cannot, and the pain that accompanies that longing. I am finally beginning to let go. Let it all go. Accepting what I have, and being more grateful for it. I have changed course, and I'm finding satisfaction in totally different goals than those I had even only a few weeks ago. That constant pang of desire no longer controls me, and thus, I no longer feel constantly disappointed. It's such a relief.
Je te laisse partir aussi, et je me sens vraiment bien.
I spent so many years building up all of these daydreams and expectations and hope upon hope of an eventual payoff that was sure to never come. I think deep down I never really wanted it to. I was clinging onto old ideas. I was finding comfort in only wanting something just out of reach, probably because it was out of reach, so I could never really find myself truly heartbroken. Those desires were coming from a place of my greatest weaknesses. The fact that none of them came to pass is truly a blessing.
That is why I'm not sad about letting them go. It was time. It has run its course.
I can look back now at all of the parts of you that were so incredibly shitty. So many endless opportunities you had to show me how much I meant to you, but you never did. Not even once. It's no wonder I wound up this way, finding no strength left to care about myself. Retreating. Giving up.
Tu es un connard.
My desires are different now. The cycle has changed, the spell has been broken, and every day I take fresh steps on a new path that I'm not entirely certain of, but I know that it feels right and good and my fucked up head which is ordinarily crammed with doubt and globs of black, heavy, sickening darkness feels so much lighter now. I care about myself again now. Because I no longer care about you.
P.S.
