The most unusual thing has happened. It spans nearly thirty years, and somehow now evolves into something so new and unexpected. You see, when I was a teenaged girl of 14 and 15 I was head over heels for a man much older than I was. 15 years older, in fact. It was inappropriate then, and I knew it, and I understood that nothing would ever transpire between he and I. But that never stopped my heart from longing for him.
I wrote dozens of pages about him in my diary. Jealousy when he went on a date with another girl. Constant observations of feeling as though I wasn't insane, that he did like me, too. Being so overwhelmed with excitement the one time he leant me his coat when I was cold. Nearly coming out of my body when he gave me a hug. Pages upon pages of this. Eventually I moved on and let him go, as one does with impossible crushes in their teen years.
Not long ago I reached out to him again. I have talked to him here and there over the years, but it had been quite a while. I found him on social media after reading through my diary again, and remembering so vividly that aching pain of unrequited love that I was tortured with.
Now he leaves nice comments when I post photographs. He tells me I'm beautiful, or super cute, you understand. We chat now and then in private messages, texts, and on the phone one time. That crush comes rushing back every time he pays me the slightest amount of attention. I am 15 all over again.
I shared the diary with him.
Then the nice messages dropped off after that. I thought I weirded him out. This was the gushing diary of a 14-15 year old girl after all, it is completely understandable if that made him feel uncomfortable. Whether uncomfortable from my undying affection sprawled out over many pages for a couple of years, or uncomfortable knowing that perhaps he did have very inappropriate feelings for me that he still wrestles with, nearly 30 years later.
I showed him the diary after one particular chat. Those nice comments on my photos all the time fanning my 15 year old heart's flames. I finally worked up the nerve to start flirting with him. And he flirted back. And he liked me, now, after all this time. Those feelings at long last validated, confirmed, and reciprocated. It was one of those moments that only happen in fairytales. But it happened to me, and all at once it was the most satisfying sensation you could ever imagine.
So I shared the diary, then things got quiet.
Tonight he came back. We chatted again, and it all came out again, and he likes me and wants me and yearns for me in the way that I always did for him so long ago. It's not that I feel fated to him, that he is that fairytale knight in shining armor. But he is a man who I always wanted more than anything in the world, who now wants me back, because it's ok to want me back now, and that feels really, really good.
