It's a late Monday evening and my house is quiet. I was just sitting here for a while listening to a podcast, but it ended, then I continued to sit here listening to the clock tick. The clock that has needed new batteries put in it for at least two or three weeks now, so it has been perpetually stuck at 4:44. It has a very dull tick with the second hand lingering in one spot, struggling, unsuccessfully, to move time forward. I'm not making that up, it really has been 4:44 in my living room for quite a while now.
I haven't been here writing lately. It crosses my mind to stop by, but I have been busy with other things and my brain has been elsewhere. I'm back to working on my house again. I have dozens of balls in the air, projects and more projects that are meaningless to anyone else but me. Like today when I took some new planters I got out into the yard and spraypainted them because I have this thing about only having white planters and no other color. It was the longest I have spent outside of my apartment in I don't even know how long. Mind you, I was only out there maybe 15-20 minutes, but it was in the front yard during rush hour on my busy street with a zillion cars right there and people and noise. But it was a lovely day so I spraypainted my planters and minded my own bee's wax trying to not pay too much attention to the chaos around me.
When I came back inside anxiety was welling up. It wasn't so much from being outside as it was me being hot. I don't do well hot, and for me hot is anything that isn't at least chilly. It was like 54 degrees outside when I was in the yard, but I was wearing black jeans and black boots and it was sunny and my feet were roasting like Christmas hams. It took me a while to cool off. I kept putting cold water on my face and standing in front of the fan. I do that a lot, I just need to be cool all the time. It's inconvenient.
So tonight I potted my plants into the freshly alabaster planters, and listened to my podcast while I OCD'd the fuck out of how they were arranged on the shelf once I was through smooshing dirt and plants into them. I would move one onto the other side, then stand back and look for a minute or two. Then I would shuffle a couple of other ones around, then a couple more, always standing back and staring, calculating, adjusting here and there. Move that one an inch or two over, flip those two around in the middle, over and over until maybe an hour later I was satisfied. It was the Three Card Monte of plants up in here. Then I sat in my chair next to them looking at them, listening to my podcast and doing nothing else. Just admiring all the little projects that I have accomplished over the past couple of weeks.
Things are looking better in here. Feeling better. Just spending time in my living room a lot is a victory in and of itself. For months I barely even walked in here, let alone do anything else. But it's getting there now. The energy is better. I painted the dark grey wall pure white a couple of weeks ago and that made all the difference. (ERLEICHDA!) I want to be in here now. It's a start.
J'ai presque acheté une nouvelle robe de mariée ce soir. Je sais que nous avons parlé de la robe blanche que j'ai maintenant, mais j'ai vu un ce soir qui était vraiment plus comme une robe de mariée réelle et je l'ai presque acheté. La seule chose qui m'a arrêté, c'est que c'était de l'ivoire au lieu de blanc pur, et je veux vraiment, vraiment porter du blanc pur. Peut-être que c'est mieux que j'attende. Que j'attende un peu plus longtemps jusqu'à ce que tu sois là, dans mes bras, me regardant de nouveau, me touchant à nouveau. Alors je saurai que je peux acheter une robe de mariée. Alors je trouverai la bonne.
I miss you.
