What does it mean to be "authentic?" This is something that I constantly explore. How does altering our appearances, our environments, our behavior to fit into a neat little package that somehow encapsulates who you are perfectly work? How much of these things are real, tangible, genuine manifestations of self and not a projection of who we wish we could be? How do you go about dissecting all of those pieces in a uniform and scientific way to study them properly, make hypothesis' and conclusions about each part in a controlled manner?
For me, taking away is helping a lot. Remove one element, observe. Then another. Then one more. Leave them empty for a while and see how it feels, how it looks. Live with less, and live with even less than that. For me, each thing I take away has felt better than the things I have added on in the past. I am at the point now, however, where I'm fairly certain that I have done all I can to get rid of the excess. I'm thinking of the adding back on stage again. If I were to now, from this new perspective, begin to adorn this realized version of myself, how would that look? How would that feel? I am struggling with this.
I often contemplate the social constructs that create who you become; from the time you are born, the flashing images, your friends at school and beyond, the city or town you grew up in, the way you were treated by your parents, the music you listen to, the strangers you cross paths with, the language you speak and the way you twist words in a unique way all your own. These things that are constant and may always be forward in your perception because they just are part of every day. So when you leave those things, at least most of them as best you can, then try to come back to it all later it feels so heavy and burdensome. Phony. Odd. Contrived.
So who am I then, really? Now that it's just me here. What is it that I want to be for myself? How do I want to present myself in my own company when nobody else is looking? Who am I when I am my own best friend? What do I say when I am the only person listening? When I look in the mirror do I see myself or an illusion of who I think I should be? I will browse hairstyles, I will shop for clothes, I grocery shop online also, spending so much time trying to decide which foods are satisfying and appropriate to me on a spiritual level, which clothes will look and feel like "me" when they are on my body. The tedium of existing in a sentient body presents so many decisions about every little thing when you start to pay attention.
The answer to all of the above is I'm still not entirely sure. Maybe it's impossible and I am tormenting myself for nothing. Maybe adding on the pieces is all there is and the only thing we are meant to do. To accumulate various things throughout your life hoping to feel complete at the end. Memories, experiences, loves, angers, places, stories, objects. Perhaps taking away has only exposed a truth that there is no one version of yourself, there are many. You can choose to be a good friend or you can be an asshole. You can choose to be a blonde or a brunette, you don't have to settle for what naturally grows out of your head. You can play with ideas and experiment and mold into whatever form feels appropriate. Or, you can just forget about all of it and leave the mess for someone else to deal with. What to do, what to do...
