I jumped right in with my previous post earlier today. A backstory is necessary.
Today a funny thing happened. My ex-boyfriend whom has gotten some mentions here and there in blogs past posted a selfie on instagram this morning. He doesn't post often, so seeing him appear on my screen rattled me just a little bit. I was talking to my new friend, who for better or worse, has been listening to lots of my chatter as of late, and then that picture came into my feed, and it made me think of an old blog I wrote about the last time I saw him several years ago. I wanted to share that old blog with my new friend, and it took a lot of doing to find it. I mean, like, I had to revive a blog here in order to figure out which old XML file it resided in. And this entire can of slimy old worms came tumbling out of the abyss that is my silly, weird brain...
And here we are. Again. You and I in this new, but not really new at all place. It has a sort of different banner on the front, and a sort of new name, but everything else is the same old same old. So I have spent my entire day reading through every one of these blog entries. 2009-2015. And when you take in something like that all at once, 100+ blogs spanning over 6 years, a definite pattern begins to emerge. This is what I've learned about myself today:
1) I have not changed. I will never change. Any pressure I have put upon myself over the years to somehow break away from whatever bad habits I have has been completely pointless. I need to stop beating myself up over it.
2) I am alone. Period. I have always been alone. My current period of aloneness is the most profound and absolute of my life, certainly, but it is a constant that I knew was there but I guess I never quite realized how much.
3) I don't think I have ever once known who I am or where I'm going. I guess it would be pretty narcissistic to think that makes me special in some way. It doesn't make me unique at all. I mean, perhaps existential angst is a little closer to the surface for me in a very persistent way than most other people, but that's just part of being alive, I guess. Not knowing who I am and what the hell I'm doing is exactly who I am and what I am doing. That's basically it.
4) I have been deeply entranced by one charming, incredible man for a very long time. And oh boy have we been through a lot together (and apart). Reflecting on the things I have said about him are absolutely still important and valid and true. In nearly eight years with (and without) him, my feelings have not changed in any capacity. That is pretty remarkable. But realizing this, how deeply ingrained he is in my heart, worries me to no end. You see, I didn't write anything at all for a year because he was gone from my life for over the past year. And truthfully, it has been probably the darkest year of my life. But for some reason, I don't know why, he came back. And this switch... this massive, heavy, ginormous, cartoony-absurdly-giant-sized switch flipped. The darkness lingers as it always does, but in the background again now instead of being the only thing I see. It's a relief to be free from it at least a little bit. But I worry so much about being a burden to him. About saying too much, since I always say too much. Because I am too much and I don't know how to be less than that. So I don't know what the hell is going to happen. I could drive him away for good, perhaps. But I'm glad that he's here again right now none-the-less. He has saved me from a hole deeper than any sci-fi fantasy ever written or imagined. I don't intend to ever take him for granted again. Whatever happens moving forward, he has been just an amazing person to know, and I'm super thankful to continue knowing him at this moment.
5) I didn't know how much I missed writing until today.
So that is it. You are all caught up. Caught up enough for now, anyway...
