It is so nice to find myself lost in you, to let go and just experience you. To escape even for a moment and be on this new plane of existence where we are warm and fuzzy and all alone, just us, with no bother for the rest of the world or anyone else. It is in this place where I am my most me, this me that I otherwise have no idea how to find. For those few hours I can forget how much I don't belong anywhere, because I oddly find that I do belong with you. This is such an overwhelming feeling for me that after you leave I am completely drained. At first it was a sensation of being hungover, paying the price for taking you all in so fast all at once, guzzling each moment with you, drunk on you, totally intoxicated by that magic that me and you are. Then as the hangover wears off the doubts creep in... I start to wonder why you bother with me. If you only knew what a strange and difficult person I really was, surely you would not be wasting your time with me. And I say all of what goes on in my mind to you. Well, mostly, the important things anyway. And you never run away. Ever. And I think this is the thing that I have the hardest part comprehending because everyone runs away from me, and if they don't, I runaway first to beat them to the punch. Because I just don't know how else to function in this world. And after I say these lovely things to you, I worry that I have said too much. I always worry that I've said too much, always. Always. And it's all I can do to not crawl away into the darkness and never speak again, to anyone, ever. I want to be far away and invisible and pretend that I never said anything at all...
Vous faites mon cœur si plein d'une manière que personne d'autre n'a jamais, et il me fait peur de la mort putain.
Let this be a formal apology to you for now and all future interactions with me going forward. Let this be a warning that my heart knows no bounds, that I don't know how to handle it all and I will say too much always, ALWAYS. But if you dare to love me back, as I'm fairly sure you do, we will never be the same ever again, you and I. This us. Whatever we are, and whatever we will ever be... always.
