I hear my heart beating in my ears. The only things illuminating my surroundings are Christmas lights hanging on the wall, and the glow of this screen on my lap. I don't even notice any cars driving by on the busy street that I live on. It's 1am on a Sunday night, and it feels like I'm the only person in the whole world who's awake, or even alive for that matter. So it's quiet in here, like floating on cotton balls and marshmallows and big, fluffy pillows, but it's just so fucking loud in here, though. Unbelievably loud. When it's quiet my mind races. So many thoughts and ideas of things I want to do, how I'd like to change, projects I need to tackle, drifting faint thoughts of people I should probably forget, thoughts of wondering if people ever think about me. Constant churning, swarming, clamoring thoughts about everything all at once. So yes, it is loud. Downright deafening.
I am learning that the best way to find myself, as in, figuring out who the hell I really am, is by letting everything that I thought mattered, go. I'm unclenching my grip and letting these things gently trickle away from my fingertips, slowly, but very much deliberately, and I am watching them drop away one-by-one-by-one, and it feels good and liberating and fresh. At this point I'm nearly convinced that by not holding onto anything at all, whether real and tactile or imaginary, the chances of my finding genuine happiness is greater than ever. The realization that none of this actually matters much is comforting. That I don't matter much. And mostly I have realized that I can just stop trying so hard to be in control of the things that are impossible for me to be in control of. I can very easily decide to just not do this anymore, and not do that anymore, because ultimately, free will kicks fate's ass every single time. And this... this is probably the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life:
You can do whatever you want to do.
