I have been struggling a lot with my emotions lately. Feeling incredibly vulnerable and overwhelmed. I think old hurts still bubble to the surface now and then, and just throw me for a loop. I convolute things, mix them up, throw my world into a tizzy and freak out. I don't think I demand too much, but it's the way I go about things that needs to change. I have got to find a way to channel my energy. Not let myself feel so burdened with so many things at once.
I realize that I have pushed most everyone I know out of my life, thinking that I can only have so much room in here for people. I like isolating myself. I'm more comfortable this way. But then I fear that I rely way too heavily on those select few who I do allow to be near me to fulfill my needs, and it really isn't fair to them. I either need to be more willing to share myself with others, or I need to find a way to funnel that energy into other personally satisfying activities.
I think winter has taken its toll on me particularly harshly this year. I've had so much going on in my personal life, plus school, work, and a budding teenage boy. The lack of sunshine and freedom to be out and get fresh air and exercise is getting to me more now than ever. I'm stressed out and claustrophobic, which overflows onto those closest to me in my life. While I have no intention of spending more than one more winter here, I need to be better prepared for these months of cold darkness the next time around. Plan some kind of winter activity to keep me sane and occupied. Find ways to have less chores and errands pile up on me, and allocate more time to sew and do the things that make me happy. I need to find a balance...
