Hope.

It's rearing its ugly head again. The gnawing at my guts. This oh so familiar sick feeling of uncertainty about everything, here and now, where I'm at and what I'm doing. Yet, I feel as though I am standing right on the edge of the precipice. I look down and see a never-ending black hole of despair, but if I look straight ahead, just into the horizon, there is a vision of happiness - real live attainable happiness. But these habits of mine... oh, sometimes I want to strangle myself! I wish that I could unzip my skin and remove this silliness for a while. To look at myself naked, without all of the distractions of flesh and humanity. I need to see the bigger picture, undisguised and free of this image I associate myself with. After so many years of isolation, I have built up a wall, and I have harvested a streak of bitter independence which would trail along for miles and miles and miles, as far as the eye can see. After having one lousy date, followed the next night by a good one, my mind is reeling with thoughts of these things. These notions of my (in)ability to interact with anyone other than myself. From one extreme of deciding once and for all to not bother with anyone, and to forage ahead on this path alone. And then the very next day, to so quickly see a glimmer of hope that I have potential to maybe be useful to somebody, and more than that, to still have an inkling of desire to share myself with someone else - that maybe, just maybe, all hope is not lost. To actually be able to picture myself having fun and being a part of this world instead of merely a witness to it. I look around me and see this house that was supposed to be an oasis, and it's turned out to be an absolute nightmare instead. I am questioning if perhaps this isn't where I am supposed to be right now? Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Or is this a test for me to push myself to the limit in order to discover what it means to be here. To be worthy of it. I just need time to fucking think, goddammit! I need my house to be clean so that I can move about freely without the constant chaotic reminders, but I am so overwhelmed that the piles are getting higher and higher and higher. If only I could have a moment's peace, I know that I could do this. It's time to jump off the precipice to see where I land... will I soar, tumbling head over heels, deep into the depths of the never-ending black hole, or will I land gently on the other side??? I think I'm going to find out really, really, really soon... I'm not quite sure why, but I have a really good feeling about this...