I find myself with nothing to do today. This is the first time I haven't felt burdened by at least a half a dozen craft projects, or holiday plans looming, or a filthy house to scrub, in months, it seems. I am avoiding time-sucking vices (Facebook, *ahem*), and by doing so I'm realizing how much free time I actually do have. It's almost scary to me. This feeling of absolute nothingness. I could do anything, but yet, I sit here. I think about starting a new painting. Or making myself a winter coat. Or conquering this mixed media embroidery/collage project that I've had in mind for a while. Or baking something. Or doing more crocheting of my 100 year old rag balls. And then I wonder about all of this "art" that I produce. How much of these activities is simply filler? Are they the substance of who I am, or nothing more than convenient distractions? How do I define my life? What is the important stuff, and what is mere passage of time? I keep pondering that old saying - "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." Could these mediocre days be what my life really is? Is this it? If this is all there is, I will happily embrace it and quit beating myself up for not being more than who I currently am. I could stop daydreaming about something better. I could let the stresses that get me down roll off my shoulders and be content in the moment. Is this really possible? Without striving for something else, will I wither away into obscurity? Maybe a lonely life of creativity is what I was meant to have... to leave behind on this Earth little pieces of me that came out of my mind and my hands and nothing more. Maybe that's OK. If I could only quit this tunnel vision, where I can't see the light at the end and always focus on the all-encompassing darkness around me, maybe I could be happy with things as they are. Maybe instead of a tunnel this world of mine could be a room. With windows and comfortable places to sit. Where I have all of the tools in front of me that I ever needed. With nobody here to disappoint me. Maybe this is OK... maybe...
