Simplicity.

It's funny, really. How everything is a mess. I can't even function without creating chaos around me. I, for some reason, thrive on distractions. I can't just make it easy for myself at all. I have the nagging need to be in situations where I must prove my value, and often times to achieve that value on the heels of someone else's loss. I need to screw everything up and then try to reassemble it to make it better than it already was. When things are too easy they are completely worthless to me. I constantly need to be challenged. Once I've mastered it, I'm done. I have proven to myself that it is impossible for me to just work things out as I go along doing something else. I mentally shut down when something isn't right, and I can't get past it. I have to remove myself completely and think everything through before I make a move. I'm at that point again right now. I've built up this little world that I can't stand, so now I must tear it all apart, brick by brick, and imagine something else. I've gone through this so many damned times now. I thrive on the rush that I get from it. It's as though controlling the situation, even if I do so poorly, is more important than simply going with the flow and getting through it. And when I feel like I can't control what's happening, I curl up in a ball, rather literally, and wait it out till I can control it again. I know that a great deal of this behavior is related to boredom on my part. The need to constantly change. To refresh. To morph into something supposedly better, or more interesting. All the while all I'm actually doing is escaping from what it is I truly desire, and that, is simplicity. I've been a fish out of water living in a world that I've never felt like I was a part of. If I could somehow curtail all of this modernization and homogenization, and get back to the basics that I yearn for so desperately, maybe then I could actually be happy. All of the choices in front of me are overwhelming and confusing. What most people see as "opportunities," I see as "hurdles." All I want is what most women have been trying for decades to escape from: I want to nourish. I want to clean. I want to nurture. That's honest to goodness all I have ever wanted from this life, and in the year 2000+, these simple things that were once a staple of society, are now virtually out of reach. What's a girl to do? Create chaos, I guess. And distractions. And messes. I need some way to nurture, nourish and cleanse, so I guess the only option is to destroy myself in order to fix myself all over again... and again... and again...