Habits

Say you've been living your life a certain way for a certain number of years, then suddenly there is a shift. You've become so accustomed to this lifestyle that any change is a bit of a shock to the system, so this shift is feeling more like a tremendous earthquake followed by a tsunami of monumental proportions. It was quiet in its approach. Sneaky, really. You keep checking and checking to be certain that this change occurred, and indeed, it has. You've set up your life to revolve around certain rituals and routines, and now...well... those routines no longer matter. You feel as though you are mourning a death of these habits. There was so much fear injected into you for having to live that way, and now the cause of the fear is vanished into the darkness as if it were never there to begin with! So suddenly... my goodness, you can go on with your days living "normally" once again. But... somehow, oddly, the fear remains. There is no longer a basis for it, but it is so incredibly familiar and almost... comfortable. Letting go of the fear feels desperate and more scary than the fear itself ever was to begin with. It was something to cling onto and define yourself by. It became a part of who you are, and now it has no purpose in your life any longer. But, without it, you almost long for it when instead you should be rejoicing. You feel naked and awkward and empty. It is a strange feeling, indeed...